The Rules...Part 1

I've been doing research. Through personal experience and other's good misfortune I have come up with some tried and true dating rules. After a few sticky notes and a few pages of blogs, polls, lists and experiences later, I think I have come up with some stuff. Now these are rules I need to remember. They may not work for everyone. Take them with a light heart and a good laugh because we all know, not matter how many rules we establish, guidelines we setup or exceptions we make, everything usually goes to hell in a hand basket all on its own...
So here goes...

He texts instead of calls or text more than he calls. If he's into you, he'll want to talk to you. Texting is not an easy form of communication, its a way to avoid communication.

He won't make future plans. He won't commit to anything ahead of time. I had a guy (fairly recently) tell me, "I'm bad at making plans." yeah, that's bullshit. If he wants to be with you, then he will make the time for you, instead of sitting around waiting on something better to come along. Which brings me to number 3...

He wants to hang at the last minute. Why do men think we are just sitting around waiting on them to call? This means one of two things... You were his last resort or he wants booty.

Oh my personal favorite...
He always finds a reason to blow you off. There's a laundry list of excuses for this one. As of late, the one that I am most impressed with, baby momma drama. Even better than the excuses is the straight blow off. Makes plans and then doesn't show up. Then he makes excuses the next time he contacts you. Classic stuff.

Let's say you are ahead of the game. He calls. He makes plans. But...what do you talk about?
If sex is the only thing he will talk about...guess what he's interested in.
Which leads into...sorta...

He should initiate 80% of the things you do together. SEX DOES NOT COUNT. Him coming over for a late/middle of the night booty call doesn't count as a date. I like it when they come over wanting sex and then can't stay because they are going out with friends or have other plans. Better yet, they call you after the leave the bar, party, or heaven forbid, another date. Girl, if he really liked you, you'd be going to these places with him.

No sleepovers = No relationship. I'm not saying this is the way it has to be early on. But if he's serious about you, he'll want to be intimate with you.

He's cagey with the cellphone/Facebook page. He never answers or texts or call. He has to be the one to contact you or he waits 5 hours to text or call you back. Gives excuses why he never answers the phone. He denies your friend request. He untags himself from pictures of the two of you or doesn't post pictures of the two of you.

He avoids introducing you to his friends or doesn't want to hang out with yours. If he doesn't want you to be around his friends, he doesn't want you.

Obviously I Can't Help It...

When do you choose friendship over something more? Is it possible to admit your feelings to a great friend and then just pretend like nothing was ever said? Will things every be normal again?

Just Stop Already

Please quit asking me how I am doing and telling me that you miss talking to me. How you can't wait to see me. Because in the next breath you are saying how much you love your girlfriend on Facebook. So it's either one of 2 things....
#1. You are full of shit.
#2. There's something missing from you relationship or otherwise you wouldn't be after me.

It's not up to me to fix your life. Man up. Make a decisions and be damn sure it's the right decision for you. If you can't live without me, you better catch me, or otherwise leave me alone.

WTF?!?!?!?!

Ok ... since me and the boyfriend broke up, life has been crazy. First, the boyfriend HASN'T moved out yet. Still waiting on his new apartment to get ready. Second, I think all the men in my life are conspiring against me. They are literally trying to kill me or give me an ulcer. Kevin wants to open a business together...REALLY???? Four years ago after I leave town he tries to hook up with 2 of my friends and now he tells me that "he wishes that we'd have been together back then". What the hell do I do with that?
Jonathan wants a random hook up. Which normally I am all for, but not right now. My boredom level hasn't gotten up that high yet.
Isaac...where do I start on Isaac? When I left his house a few weeks ago, my stomach was in knots. I wanted a relationship. I wanted him to beg me to stay or tell me he wanted to see me soon. But no, he won't admit anything. I get such conflicted signals from him. So I ask him flat out..would things be different if we lived closer together? His answer "never know." You know, normally I would take that as No, but I can't completely be this off about him. I am a realist. Not some romantically ill girl who sees potential in everything. But I do like him and I can't be this wrong. But I am not going to chase him. He wants me, he knows where I am.
And lastly this brings me to my major problem. Last night I was minding my own business, having a semi peaceful night. And pop, the messenger shows up. Rocky...SERIOUSLY?????
Talking all that bullshit. Telling me that the difference between me and his "twenty year old miss perfect" girlfriend is the fact that I'm a better kisser. I can promise you that's not our only difference. But I didn't say anything. I let him promise me that he was coming to see me in June and this time he's serious. I can't handle another disappointment from him. I had just gotten over the thing at Christmas. I am tired of coming in 2nd. So once again...I ain't chasing him.

Life is Crazy!

I always knew life sucked on the best of days...but lately it takes it to an all new level. It's not like my life is bad. Far from it. I am lucky. I have a good job, a roof over my head, money to spend and a wonderful family. So why can't I be content? Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls who could be happy to settle, but to me it just seems like cheating. Cheating myself. I think, for the first time, that I know what I want. What I'm looking for. Who I am looking for. I just hope I'm not wrong.

It Sucks Being Jealous

I hate that I miss him. I hate that I am jealous that he picked her. Everything is OK when he's out of sight or out of mind. But then something will happen and a memory will pop up or a Facebook post and it all brings it back. I guess he's in love now and I got what I deserved.

Rose Colored Glasses

I have when I see things through rose colored glasses. The problem is I know I'm doing it. I see things and I get my hopes up. Or I start seeing things for what they could be. Well tonight I got knocked back down the Earth. It's just what I needed but didn't really want. Kinda got my feelings hurt, but maybe it's what I needed. I need to see things for what they are. Sometimes I think I am invisible, or at least my feelings are. I jump head first and I think I can handle it. Maybe I can. Maybe I can't. I just never think about the risks that come with it.

That Guy

Why does he have to be complicated?? He hasn't spoken to me in 3 months! He chose her over me. Which is fine. I am in no position to complain. I had gotten over the sting, the bruised ego. She's everything I'm not. He made his decision. So don't call me at 9:30 on a Thursday morning to "see how I am." I know what he wants. He wants me to pine after him, to always want him. Sure, if he marries her I'll be hurt. But I refuse to be his 2nd choice and if he doesn't want me, leave me alone. But the question I ask myself...do I want him to come back or not??

Loyalties

When is enough enough? How do you know when it's time to make a change? I have been thinking and talking about making changes and now I need to nut up or shut up. When can you tell it's time?
When is time to quit your job? How much shit do you put up with before you say "no more." I have never been one of those people to beat my head against the wall, but lately I see myself headed that way. I am letting other people's craziness effect me. Mainly my boss. I refuse to placate him. He is driving us all crazy. He is hands down the most manipulative person I have ever met. He has a way of making everyone around him feel ashamed that they have disappointed him when you haven't even done anything wrong! I am typically a very loyal person. I stick close to my friends and allies. So how do you decide where you allegiances lie?
What does it take to cut those ties? I am not one for throwing someone under the bus, but I am not about to take the heat for someone else either. I resent like hell someone trying to take their problems out on me. If I thought I was being unreasonable then I would be looking at this from a different way, but everyone around me has the same problems. So when do you decide its time to jump ship or do you just ride out the waves?

Enjoying the Single Life

I found is article on glamour.com. It was 8 Reasons to Enjoy Your Single Status. Insightful stuff. I thought it was funny because now that I am in a relationship I find that I definitely miss these things about being single.
#1. Your diet is your diet.
I am sick of Chinese food. I want to cook fish without him turning his nose up at me. There are so may things that I miss about cooking what I want. I have also given up one of my favorite restaurants because he doesn't like it. He drinks ALL my orange juice. I could go on about this for a while. You just never really know someone until you have to eat together every night.
#2. You can do errands without the dead weight.
I relish my "me time." So when I need to run my Saturday morning errands or my "Sunday after church grocery run," I want to go it alone. Sometimes it the only time that week I have to myself.
#3. You really get to know yourself.
This is true, but I will say one thing, I have learned a lot about myself since he moved in. But when you are alone, you aren't forced to do things you don't really like or interested in. You do things for you and you figure out what you want.
#4. You can be a good aunt.
I spent a lot of my time with my two year old nephew over the weekend and as soon as I left I missed him so much. I like that I can get to know him now and can focus on him. The baby was just born and now I get to spend time with both of them.
#5. You can develop talents and take up hobbies.
I keep saying I am going to write a book and learn to play the piano (again). I have all these things I want to do and sometimes I feel like he is dragging me down. Sometimes I feel obligated to do things he will like when I really want to do things I want.
#6. You actually get out of the house.
I think I might have gone out twice since he moved in. Once was with him. That's depressing. We don't really share a lot of interests and most of the time I want to go out with friends.
#7. You can travel.
I have all these places I wan to go and see. I plan all these vacations and look for places to go. I know it hurts his feelings that I want to go alone or with my friends. There are places I want to see for me.
#8. Loneliness hurts less.
It really does suck when you get used to having someone around all the time and still feel completely alone.

Stretch Armstrong

I know how Stretch Armstrong feels. I feel like everybody in my life is pulling me in different directions, just seeing how far I can stretch before I snap back into place. I am tired of being accommodating. I can't even go to my parent's house for the weekend without having to schedule everything around someone else. My boyfriend is going, so I have to wait til he gets off my work. Then a friend wants to go so she can play house with my brother and she wants me to wait until the next morning so that she can go to her brother's birthday party on Friday night. All I want to do is go home and see my mother. I really just want to go alone but, of course, I am being all nice and bringing everyone with me. I am leaving Friday night and if someone wants to go, they better be in Ole Red when she pulls onto I45. Work is driving me crazy. My boss is driving me crazy. I cannot deal with any more bratty men. I need men in my life who act like men. Not boys. I can't deal with the mood swings, the temper tantrums, the constant need for attention. It's exhausting. It's draining have to deal with the temper tantrums that he shows towards admin because he doesn't get his way, so therefore it makes us all look bad. I am as loyal as a yard dog, but I am not going down on a sinking ship. This whole new "selfish" bit applies to my job too. I am looking out for ME.
I am not a coddler. I don't deal well with other people's feelings. I don't have the energy to constantly pat someone on the ass and tell me them how great they are. I don't have time to build up others' self esteem. So why am I surrounded by emotionally needy people?
I feel like I am beating my head against a concrete wall. I know it's just causing me pain and not really helping the situation. I walk on eggs shells sometimes. I spend my time fighting back a crazy scream or tears. I feel like I have no control because my decisions to make me happy need to be selfish and being selfish hurts people. I can't hang on to things that aren't good for me, even it means hurting other people.

Facebook Friends

Is it rude to ignore friend requests from coworkers? I don't want to be facebook friends with coworkers that I'm not really friends with. I know if you don't want people to know your business, don't put it on the internet. But I am only friends with people I know and who probably already know my business or don't really care. So if you ignore someone who works with you, does that make you a bad coworker? Especially if you are suppose to be a "family" at work? I am fb friends with some people at work, but I consider them friends, not just coworkers. So am I being rude?? Hmmm...good question.

Ultimatum

How do you deliver an ultimatum? Is there ever a way to? Is there ever a reason to? If you get to the place where you have to give someone ultimatum, are things already past repair. Because by telling someone they have to do something, you are essentially telling them you are hanging them out to dry. You are asking them to change. In relationships, in life, you aren't suppose to ask someone to change. You are suppose to accept people for the way they are and love them for their flaws. So if you are asking them to change, do you really love them or are you just trying to change them?

So Andi and I were talking today about whether or not its good to know or not to know. When it comes down to it and you are faced with facts that can cause you pain or cause someone else pain, do you want to know or not? Some people go through their lives with their heads stuck in the sand like an ostrich and others actively seek out the truth like some twisted form of masochism.
So when it comes down to it, do you really want to know? I have always been a believer in "what you don't know won't hurt you" philosophy when it comes to other people's feelings. When it's personal, I usually want to know if it directly impacts me.
How do you know when to keep secrets from the people who are closest to? Is a secret a secret and they are all deceitful? Can they be acceptable if they are to keep from hurting someone's feelings? We all do things we regret and are ashamed of. But sometimes we do things that we don't regret but could hurt someone else. Cheating, lying, lying by omission. All these things can cause someone pain. So if you do one of these thing, then hide it from someone, are you being selfish or just trying to keep from hurting them?

Friends with Benefits

Oh the "friend." He comes up in a conversation and you find yourself saying "my friend..." and everybody knows what that friend is. The one you call on scratch an itch. Friends with benefits, f**k buddies, booty call...however you want to classify him. Are they a bad idea or are they just a means to satisfy a human urge? There's a lot of debate out there with concerns to the "friend."
Not everyone can handle it. The unemotional sex. It's a not a bad thing. Sometimes I wish I couldn't be that detached. I wish I had could hold out for that perfect person to give myself to. But I just don't see it that way. Izzie says she can't imagine using a guy for sex. I don't feel like I am using anybody . Using someone implies you are deceiving them. So if you put your cards on the table before you start to play, no one is deceived.
So after I got to thinking, I started asking my friends... What do you look for in a "friend?" Do they like the mature older man who is settled and comfortable with his life? Or the eager to prove himself younger man? Then there's the guy who is around your age and who is in the same place you are in your life. It can be a difficult decision for the modern woman. Do you actively seek out someone to have a short term relationship with or choose someone you already know? One thing is for sure, you better know what you want. Generally speaking, you need to pick someone who wants the same thing you do. Get it all out on the table. because I know we all think we only want sex, but its not always true. As much as I like to think I am detached and unemotional, it's not always true. Every now and then the romantic comes out in me and I want that fairy tale romance.
Each of my friend have different opinions on the age thing. Rosita likes an older man. She says they understand that its just about the sex and they are stable. Andi and Julie say some your own age is the best. Especially at our age. Claire says it doesn't matter but she sees the appeal of an older man. Like Rosita, she thinks stability and comfort are pluses. Candi is the exception. Not because of the age, she picked someone around her age but because she is sleeping with her best friend. There has always been a sexual tension between them but she tried to ignore it. Then she let him wear her down. (She'll love me for that comment) She says that it hasn't changed anything. That they know it's just about the sex. She won't admit it, but she wonders about if they'd be good in a relationship. But she's not willing to risk their relationship. A friendship can overcome sex, but it won't overcome a breakup.
I have had 2 relationships where I would consider them "friends." I did have a short term affair with a friend. It didn't really change anything and we have both moved on to relationships and kept our friendship intact. If I had to go back though, I wouldn't have done it. The first guy was in college. I wouldn't call us friends. We were two people who were attracted to opposites. We had mutual friends and so we saw each other a lot, but our relationship consisted of a call after the bar and a hit it a quit.
The second guy was someone I met several years later. I was older and knew what I was looking for. He is around my age and relatively successful. When we first met I thought it might be something more, but he made it obvious all he wanted was sex. So I didn't push it and I enjoyed him. We are fond of each other and have remained friends.
Each of these relationships has impacted my life in some way. So I can't be regretful for either.
But one thing I have learned is that you have to know what you want. If you are looking for a relationship then you need to be honest with him and with yourself. Don't confuse sex for a relationship. Don't settle for sex when you want a relationship. But if just sex is all you are looking for, then know yourself and what you want and after it with an open mind and open legs.

Strength v Weakness

I have been doing some soul searching lately. Trying to figure out what I want in my life. It's been interesting. People pay thousands of dollars for therapy when all you really have to do is quit ignoring what you already know. Most people can figure out exactly what is wrong with them if you are willing to look deep enough. You have to ask yourself the tough questions and not be afraid to answer them. When you do this, when you admit to yourself all your faults, you start to see yourself the way everyone else sees you. Most of the the time you won't like what you see.
The things I have always seen as my strengths have become my weaknesses. But not weakness in myself, but weakness with others. My emotional detachment, my independence, my need for order and control,, and my stubbornness is starting to break me down. It's ruining my relationship. Andi tells me when I meet "that someone" I will want to change. I will want to be a better person for them.
I am so freakin' hard headed. I don't want to change. Even knowing my faults. Knowing that they hurt other people around me. Something I have always seen as a strength is the fact that I love myself. I am perfectly comfortable with me. I don't need someone to pat my ass and tell me how great I am. My insecurities have nothing to do with confidence in myself.
But it's startling to look in the mirror and not like what you see.
When you love someone, should you want to change for them? Or do you look for someone who doesn't expect you to change?

I've never been one to hold back. My grandfather told someone once "she'll tell you exactly what she thinks and she doesn't care who's feelings she hurts." That pretty much sums it up. I've always taken it as a compliment. The fact that you never have to guess what I am thinking. I never thought it'd come back to bite me on the ass.
My boyfriend, bless his heart, is a little on the sensitive side. Not weepy crying sensitive, just sensitive. We just grew up in different environments. Let's just say my family is ....vocal. We yell at each other as a form of affection. Having a normal conversation isn't really in our nature. I'm not sure his family has ever really a good family fight. Pouting is their form of anger. You pout in my family, you get made fun of. It tends to breed pretty thick skin. So I guess these cultural differences are starting to show. Because I have been hurting his feelings. He actually told me that I make him feel inadequate. Inadequate. Well newsflash!...no one can make you feel inadequate but yourself. But in his defense, I don't help things.
My friend Candi (hahaha) and I have been making deep philosophical decisions over way too many margaritas. We have come to this decision, we're maneaters.
We ruin good men.
We've avoided relationships and commitment because it seems like every time you think something is good, the bottom drops out. He cheats, he falls in love, he's disappointing, he's wishy washy, he's a mama's boy, he's helpless,he's clingy, he plays games. There's a laundry list of things that cause us to grow tired of the fight.
We inevitably end up being the man in our relationship. We love the conquest. We make the decisions. We dictate everything.
We compare them to shoes. We have a lot of shoes. For all occasions. It seems to be the same way with men. There seems to be a man for every occasion. And like a good pair of shoes, we never really throw them out. We stack them up in our closet, conveniently in their place, just waiting to be put to use. Because we can't wear 2 pairs of shoes at once. We find a pair we have to have, we love even. They feel right, comfortable. But the time comes when we need those exciting shoes. The ones that make us feel like the woman we want to be. The sexy woman. So we pull that box out of the closet. The shoes. Him. The one that makes us feel sexy. Wanted.
Yes, I just compared the men in my life to my shoes. Do you settle for comfortable? Or go for sexy? Because you can't have both.
How do we know which pair of shoes fits our style? So by having options, we make them feel inadequate. Or is it because they are inadequate?

Hoping for Him

Ever look in the mirror and realize that you turned into "that girl?"
You know the one I'm talking about. The girl who willingly tells a man that she can't have all her weaknesses and then lets him use them against her.
You romanticize it. He says the right things, you have a lot in common, he knows what you like...and boom! He won't get out of your head.
I'm not talking about happily ever after. Even in your completely skewed perception of reality you know that it's not an option.
I'm talking about the "perfect romance."
You know it's not going anywhere but you can't help thinking about. You really don't believe everything he says, but you hope. You hope he's everything he seems. You hope the chemistry is real. You hope that if things were different, you would be the one he chooses to come home to.
He always tells you "life is what you make it" but too many different decisions are sending you in different directions. You both have someone else in your lives and the secrecy of your relationship make it fun. But you made your choices and you are both in too deep to go back.
But you hope. You hope he understands the way you feel, because neither of you is willing to open yourself up so completely that you will come out and admit your true feelings. You hint and you pull the "I asked you first" routine. But you won't completely give in. Because you don't want to be that vulnerable. You don't want him to know you lie awake at night thinking about him. You don't want him to know you catch yourself staring at his picture. But you hope. You hope he does the same thing.
You hope he's holding back because he feels the same way, not because he just wants to mess with your emotions.
They say knowledge is power. It has the power to break you. It's all consuming, the need to know. But the fear outweighs the hope.
Because what if you are wrong and he doesn't feel the same way? What if you are right and he does? Then what's left to hope for?

Crazy People Make Sane People Crazy

You know the commercial where the red M&M is running backward on the conveyor belt trying not to get scanned and ultimately eaten and then he finally gives up and scans himself and as soon as he's put in the grocery bag the yellow M&M is like "hey we're on the guest list!" and the red M&M is "no we're on the menu"????
I feel like the red M&M around 5 days a week.
My work makes me crazy. I spend a good majority of my day surrounded by children. The thing about teenagers is, they even make grownups act like teenagers. You find yourself using slang and being petty. Very petty. Sometimes the highlight of my day is when I find out the latest gossip. Teenage gossip. The very thing I hated in school. The same bullshit that consumes your life that you look back on in a few years and makes you cringe. But that's not the worst of it.....not by a long shot....
Why is the workplace a hotbed for adultery, lying, and alter egos???? Is it because you finally get to a little freedom, so you try to sow all your oats in the 8 hours you are away from your family obligations? And what is wrong with the multiple personalities?? I don't understand how some people can be one way at work and then you know when they get home, it's not like that. Why put on airs? It makes all the rest of us resentful and distrustful. Don't act badass, righteous, hardcore, in charge, or all of the above when we all know you aren't.
When you boss pouts and is the moodiest person you know, it takes a toll on your psyche.
You spend your whole day in an climate of panic and craziness, your anxiety level rises, you begin to stress and it turns your personal life into a craziness.
Why do we let the crazy people in our lives take over? Even when they have no control, we find ourselves acting like those people we talk about behind their backs. Does it make us hypocrites? Or is it just human nature and we are all doomed to lose our morals and standards?

Decisions, Decisions

Life is a bitch. I know it, you know it. It's not like its any big surprise when things go to shit. People say being a grown-up is all about making decisions. Obviously I have avoided adulthood. I am perfectly content to walk through life without having to choose a path, just kinda wander without really knowing which way to go. I find myself at a standstill. My life has become so mundane and boring that I have to shake it up. But what I struggle with, is it worth risking failure for the hope of success? My head says yes, but sometimes those insecurities take over and I am left second guessing my decisions. Boredom is toxic. Boredom with my job, my love life, my hobbies. I have always been secure in who I am. Never questioning who I am. Now I wonder if I have just been lying to myself all this time.