Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hoping for Him

Ever look in the mirror and realize that you turned into "that girl?"
You know the one I'm talking about. The girl who willingly tells a man that she can't have all her weaknesses and then lets him use them against her.
You romanticize it. He says the right things, you have a lot in common, he knows what you like...and boom! He won't get out of your head.
I'm not talking about happily ever after. Even in your completely skewed perception of reality you know that it's not an option.
I'm talking about the "perfect romance."
You know it's not going anywhere but you can't help thinking about. You really don't believe everything he says, but you hope. You hope he's everything he seems. You hope the chemistry is real. You hope that if things were different, you would be the one he chooses to come home to.
He always tells you "life is what you make it" but too many different decisions are sending you in different directions. You both have someone else in your lives and the secrecy of your relationship make it fun. But you made your choices and you are both in too deep to go back.
But you hope. You hope he understands the way you feel, because neither of you is willing to open yourself up so completely that you will come out and admit your true feelings. You hint and you pull the "I asked you first" routine. But you won't completely give in. Because you don't want to be that vulnerable. You don't want him to know you lie awake at night thinking about him. You don't want him to know you catch yourself staring at his picture. But you hope. You hope he does the same thing.
You hope he's holding back because he feels the same way, not because he just wants to mess with your emotions.
They say knowledge is power. It has the power to break you. It's all consuming, the need to know. But the fear outweighs the hope.
Because what if you are wrong and he doesn't feel the same way? What if you are right and he does? Then what's left to hope for?

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